My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
