Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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