Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
