Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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