Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
