i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
