a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
