The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
