Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
