I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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