She's JV to your varsity
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
