Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
