if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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