Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
