I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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