Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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