Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
