I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
