smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Duck Duck Cougar?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
