he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
