Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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