she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
