hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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