Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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