I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
