you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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