im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
