she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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