You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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