The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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