I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
