I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
