i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize