My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
