No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
