I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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