Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
