Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
