In the future we'll all be gay
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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