and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
