fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
