I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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