I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
