Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
