My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
