Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
