So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
