He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
