good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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