It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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