Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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