Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
