We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
