I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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